Tag Archive for 'Humor'

Chiggers

Last Sabbath, August 30, I went hiking at a place my friends and I have been to many times. On this visit, however, we did something we don’t usually do, and went for a walk around the lake. The weeds were kind of high along parts of the trail. What I didn’t realize until later was that I had picked up some hitchhikers: chiggers.

Unfortunately, chiggers are nearly microscopic, and chigger bites only appear after the damage is done. By then the chigger has already packed up and said goodbye. After feeding, chiggers drop off and turn into harmless adults. Sometimes extra chiggers may tag along, hiding in your shoes, socks, carpet, bedding, etc., and come out for dinner later. For this reason, if you’ve been in chigger country, it’s a good idea to take a shower and put your clothes in the wash after you get home. (If you’ve had a bad experience with chiggers in the past, you may be tempted to burn your clothes.) Using insect repellent works well at keeping them off.

Like their relatives, ticks, chiggers seem to prefer tight, warm places between skin and clothing, and so socks and waists are frequent targets. They leave behind extremely itchy welts, lasting a few days to a week or so.

On this occasion I ended up with about 30 chigger bites, mostly around my ankles, as well as a little poison ivy rash on my right ankle for good measure.

This experience got me to thinking about chiggers: what they are, where they live, what they do in their free time.

After all, there are only so many hosts for a chigger to choose from, and one can never know when a host might come by. Life as a young chigger must have its long, lonely moments. I imagine groups of intellectual young chiggers passionately debating whether it’s better to “wait” or be more proactive. You only go through the life cycle once, and whoever you pick, you’re stuck with.

Of course, whether a chigger chooses to wait or hunt probably depends on its location. Country chiggers who choose to hunt could end up on wild goose chases or chasing rabbits. There’s lots of wild, open spaces, and it can be hard to catch someone who’s just passing through. On the other hand, waiting could go on for a long, long time. A suitable match might never swing by. Life can seem hard and a bit random for the chigger trying to make it in the country.

But things are different if you’re a city chigger. For the lucky chigger living near the big city, life is constant action. You hardly need to do anything. In fact, you can practically just sit there, looking pretty, and some sweet dear might come along and practically sit on you. On the other hand, if you jump at the first bite, you might miss a better option. A new one comes by every few minutes sometimes, so it’s safe to bide one’s time and wait. You just don’t want to get into a habit of waiting, because you’re only young for so long, and you need to get busy and start a family while you still can. Of course, with increased opportunities come increased risks. The environment can be quite toxic. The city isn’t the ideal place you’d want to raise larva.

For some reason, once chiggers reach adulthood (at which point they are no longer chiggers, but full fledged mites), they all go vegan. I suppose a fast-paced lifestyle of living off cellular fluids eventually catches up with you, and it’s nice to just sit back and sip vegetable juices. “They goes grandpa,” the young chiggers say, “drinking his green grass juice.” Meanwhile, their eyes are on the legs of a pretty young woman passing by. Here she comes, here she comes…. Bite!

UR INVTD

With one of my coworkers, Adam, getting married very shortly, my thoughts turned to the innumerable details that swarm from the very mention of the word, “wedding.” Of all the elements that make for a successful wedding, perhaps none captures the attention of the graphic designer as the wedding announcement and invitation. Should that glad day eventually wend its way into my plans, I am sure that designing a fabulous and memorable card will be high on my priority list.

Unfortunately, for many brides- and grooms-to-be, it is also a burdensome expense. Sending custom cards to hundreds of potential attendees, as well as to those you full well know will not attend but would be mad if you didn’t invite them, can cost no small sum. This started me thinking about alternatives. Not that I would use these myself (honest!), but perhaps someone will find a lifesaver here.

Aside from the obvious but in-law displeasing option of not sending cards, the clearest choice seems to be making use of the internet. One could send an HTML-formatted email, with links to a custom website designed with all kinds of glitter and glow, for nothing. For those lacking time and talent, a plain old text message could suffice. Black on white is popular for printed cards, after all.

But if we’re wanting to use the latest technology, why not skip email and websites altogether, and go straight to the summit: Cell phones. That’s right, you can send text messages instantly to all your kin. Many cell phones support multiple recipients and groups, so you could hit all your family and friends in one wireless whack. Of course, many service providers charge for this service. You can skirt that issue by using any of the various free software or website applications that let you send text messages for free. But even if you have to pay for it, a few cents a message is a lot less than the cost of postage, especially with the postage rate hikes expected this very next month.

Of course, choosing the mode of communication is only half the battle. You also have to decide what to say. With a cell phone you can’t be long winded and wordy. No one is going to have patience with your text message, “The families of Jon Dough and Jayne Smith wish the pleasure of your presence….” It’s already off the screen, and no one likes to scroll.

The trend with cell phone text messages is to be short and concise. They just need the facts: who, what, when, where. And it helps to know the lingo. Use letters to stand in for words when possible: “RU” for “Are you.” Drop vowels and unimportant letters in common words. Don’t spell out the obvious. Everyone knows JD is Jon Dough. So how could you do it? Behold the wedding invitation of the future:

JD+JS 6/24@TVILLE CH. UR CMNG? Y/N